Why you reject the “nice” guys (or girls) in dating.
You meet someone and they seem like a possible match, but as the date goes on you start to feel annoyed and uncomfortable with their fondness of you. You give them one or two more dates to see if the attraction shifts because they seem nice and you don’t want to be alone. Still, there is that invisible force that repels you from them. You wonder why you are only attracted to the ones you cannot have.
This is a very common dilemma in relationships. If you are old enough to remember the song by The Kinks, “He loves her and she loves him and he loves somebody else, you just can’t win…Love Stinks.” This about sums it up. Everyone wants what they can’t have but why? The reason…their Love Shadow.
The shadow is a part of our psyche that isn’t dark or bad, but unconscious. What remains in the shadow are ideas that we suppress, ignore them or deny because they are too painful or uncomfortable to look at consciously. What we end up doing is projecting those ideas onto the people we meet. Anything that we don’t accept about ourselves, good or bad, we see in others.
When you are infatuated with someone, you are seeing the goodness in you that you haven’t accepted in yourself. Their rejection of you confirms your belief that you aren’t lovable and you seek them out because it matches your conditioning – not accepting yourself. The ego feels safe to recreate this dynamic over and over again because it is familiar.
When someone is infatuated with you and you don’t love yourself enough, you will find his romantic advances repulsive. Just like you deny your own self-worth and love, you project it out on to adoring man seeing him as worthless. The rejection is automatic and part of the same dynamic as above.
You may say the reason for the lack of attraction is his skin, his hair (or lack thereof), he seems he too feminine, too available, tries too hard, too short, and so on. The rejection isn’t about those things, it is because you see the parts of you that you don’t want to look at in him and you can’t stand to look at them. All you want to do is run.
This is the power of the shadow. It feels like what you are seeing is about the other person, but what you are seeing is really an aspect of yourself. If you do not uncover your shadow, you will play out the same patterns over and over and think that you are just having bad luck in love.
So, some people who have low confidence put on a persona (mask) that they “have it all together.” If a date acts insecure in any way, this type of person will be repulsed by the date’s insecurity. Not because being insecure doesn’t follow the dating rules, but because you judge it so harshly in yourself. If you feel unattractive, too old or not thin enough, you will tend to see lots of unattractive people liking you and pursuing you. By judging them, you are making yourself feel even less attractive. The shadow is projecting on to them and you are looking in the mirror at yourself.
To change your results, you must face your shadow. It is a process you cannot do alone and requires a coach to guide you. For now, here’s something to start with to see your own shadow. Look at the people you date who really trigger you, they are showing you an aspect of your shadow. Your judgment puts them in a good/bad column and that judgment on them is also a way you judge yourself. This judgment limits how you act in the world and keeps you a prisoner in your own mind.
When you see your true self beyond your shadow projections and fully accept all parts of you, you can fully open your heart and accept someone into your life that matches the REAL YOU. There is nothing about you that is broken. The shadow process isn’t about healing at all, but simply becoming more conscious of the divine that is within you.