Why people lie in relationships
We have all been there. They say they are interested in a serious relationship, jump in quickly and then, three weeks into dating, they disappear. You thought you had a great connection but then suddenly they drop off the face of the earth. Sometimes they break up with a text or leave a message on your voicemail when they know you aren’t home. What is that about?
This behavior all comes down to one thing…fear of confrontation. Somewhere along the line we have all been told how to behave, when to share and when to shut up. Most of us have been conditioned to avoid the truth because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings OR we don’t want people to challenge us on our truth because we don’t have enough confidence in ourselves.
The problem with white lies is that you really think you are being nice. I remember a time when I met this guy who was really great but I just wasn’t interested and I was afraid to hurt him. I kept stringing him along because I hoped he would eventually lose interest and go away. What I realized was that I wasn’t being nice at all. I was actually being mean.
When I finally told him the truth he said, “Thank you. At least now I know where I stand and can move on. I appreciate your honesty.” That broke an old pattern of mine where I would just not return phone calls but, at the same time, complained about men who did that to me. It was liberating to just say what I really felt. Honest communication with a man…wow.
We humans are afraid of each other and we have been taught to tell white lies, be nice and avoid confrontation. To top it off, we witnessed our parents being kind to someone to their face only to hear them gossip about them to another person behind their back. We got mixed messages and so most of the time we just keep our mouth shut, which isn’t very empowering.
If you don’t face the truth within yourself, it is hard to be honest with someone else.
I talk to people everyday who are afraid to tell me the truth. They make up excuses for being single and actually believe their stories about why they can’t find love. They don’t realize that they are lying to themselves when they claim that they can figure it out on their own as they kick the loneliness can further down the road. They tell me they want love more than anything in the world, but then they don’t take any action or take minimal effort to get what they truly desire.
They say the truth can set you free but many people just don’t want to face it. Even though Jack Nicholson famously said, “You can’t handle the truth,” I disagree. You end up running away from something like a monster under the bed only to realize the real truth was only an old stuffed animal that looked scary in the middle of the night. The lies will hold you hostage and feed your fears, which is a worse fate.
To break out of fear prison, start with telling people how you feel with brave honesty. Keep your boundaries with an open heart. No one can reject you without your permission and everyone deserves the simple courtesy of direct communication. As you share your true feelings with others, it becomes more liberating and expansive. You wonder what you were afraid of all this time and wish you would have had tried this honesty-thing much sooner.
Most of all, be true to yourself. Make commitments and don’t slack off on your promises to live a greater life. Take that class, research a new career and get to yoga. When someone gives you their time on a date, be courteous with a kind response if you aren’t interested. They are just a person looking for love just like you and deserve to be treated with respect just like you
We are all human. We are all doing our best to survive on this crazy planet and maybe, just maybe, if we were not bottling up everything inside of us, people wouldn’t have to act out in anger like the tragic event in Boston this week. We would allow our creativity and self-expression to flow outward and share more of our amazing lovable selves in a more blissful world.