What you are doing wrong with men and other lies you were led to believe about love.
Being a previous long-time single and through my experience in the love industry for the past ten years, I have seen a lot of dating advice floating around. I am still shocked by some of the tips I see explaining to women what they are doing wrong and why they are still single. Do you know why he didn’t call you? Why you didn’t get a second date? Why he lost interest? Blah, blah, blah and quite frankly I am sick of hearing it. I want to take a stand for single women everywhere not to take this anymore.
There is a tendency for women to get mad at themselves for screwing up with a guy they liked. I saw this self-deprecating behavior with myself and with the women I worked with over the years. When I read self-help books for insight, most of them made me feel worse because they told me all the things I was doing wrong and how I should change to “win the man” as if HE was the prize. They never questioned if the guy was a pathological liar, narcissist, sexist pig or emotionally unstable, they claim that it is the woman who needs to fix herself.
Many of these books dis-empower women and actually give terrible advice. Some promote that women should contort her looks, body, wardrobe, personality and even her masculine energy to be able to attract a man. The woman needs to learn to be somebody else; someone that looks and acts like men want them to act. The most popular suggestion is to be more confident. I find that funny especially when the advice follows a list of all the stupid mistakes she makes on dates, which only reinforces her already toxic self-talk.
In their defense, I know many of these experts have the best intentions because they want to help. Sometimes, though, their advice is taken to the extreme and the single woman goes on a mission to fix herself to be more appealing and lovable. She feels that once she does all the right things, she will find the right man. But, that scenario is exactly where the problem resides. She gives away her power by trying to earn his love as if he had all the authority to approve or disapprove of her.
When you put all the focus on getting their approval, you are automatically saying “I am not enough” which is the biggest love repellent ever. Getting caught up in the anxiety of trying to say and do all the right things can either make you into someone you are not or keep you stuck in a perpetual cycle of self-help hell. Neither situation has a positive love outcome.
Now, I have to be fair to the guys because it isn’t their fault. They have their own set of challenges. There isn’t much out there for them as far as dating advice besides how to get a woman into bed tips. Being a jerk can make some women fall for you, but what kind of long-term relationship will come of that behavior? Then there are some guys who simply need a little guidance when it comes to relating to women, but it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them.
Guys, I know many of you want a great relationship too and you don’t need to change to meet a woman either. Men are told to be super-smooth and have a powerful position in business to win a woman’s heart. Take it from me, those guys tend to be less real and caught up in their own ego. Honor your clumsiness, awkwardness and your compact car because you are putting all your financial investments into graduate school, the right woman will find your unique charm adorable and your goals admirable. Authenticity attracts authenticity.
When you meet your true love, he or she won’t come in the package that you imagined and you will make all those silly dating mistakes that the experts warned you about. He won’t seem to mind because he will be like that cellophane that sticks to CDs when you shrink-wrap them. No matter what you do, he or she just won’t let go. This is a perfect litmus test for a lasting relationship.
So, throw out your copies of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “How to Seduce Women.” You only need to follow these three simple empowering “rules” that lead to your ideal relationship:
1. Be the PRIZE to be won. Don’t confuse this with playing games or becoming egotistical or extremely picky, behaviors that are only made by people who truly don’t know themselves. You have to know that deep within you is perfection and that you offer something unique and wonderful in a loving relationship. Don’t put your dates on pedestals, especially if you don’t really know them very well. If there isn’t a match, just say NEXT…your true love will recognize wonderful you.
2. Any change you make should be for YOU. There is nothing wrong with losing weight, updating your fashion, changing behaviors such as keeping better boundaries, and other types of self-improvement. But, don’t do any of these things in order to get a man/woman to love you or it will never be enough. Do them to feel better about you, not to impress others.
3. Trust your intuition. Learn that your first gut reaction to people is almost always correct before your chattering mind gets involved and starts to justify their behavior. If you can discern the difference between the illusion of infatuation and true love, you will always make accurate decisions in your relationships.
Lastly, true love does not hurt, make you feel bad about yourself or make you want to change. True love is like home with an open door and heart that is always welcoming, unconditional and full of personal peace. Your ideal partner doesn’t run away if you call too much, get needy or have an angry moment. He sees beyond the façade of your human self to the divine that is within you as he recognizes the divine within himself.