The Alpha Male Delusion and What Real Men Want
The dating advice industry is flooded with this idea of how to get an alpha male and how to be an alpha male. While the concept on the surface seems reasonable, you want a confident person and attract a confident person but I believe this alpha concept is a bit misleading and can lead to heartache for both men and women.
The people who teach this don’t realize that there is more to a person than just their surface ego or mask. Creating a persona of a confident, alpha male may get a man a lot of dates, but this persona is forced to deny their sensitive, feminine side. A woman is also fooled that if she gets an alpha male, that he is the complete package.
When men are told that showing their emotions is wrong, they suppress them and become aggressive to protect themselves from releasing their softer side. These so-called Alpha men love the physical chase but when it comes to deep connection, they run.
When an alpha male is with an emotional woman, he cannot handle it. His shadow of vulnerability is just too much to look at. Her emotions are a threat to him. He is drawn to her but also bolts when the relationship gets too serious.
Old-school dating advice is all about making the woman wrong for a relationship not working out. They give tips on why he left and why he didn’t call. They tell her not to be needy or ask for commitment too soon. The truth is that real relationships are about emotions and sharing. If he wasn’t equipped and didn’t have a healthy connection to this feminine side, the man was bound to leave anyway.
You could do everything right and he would still leave because under the macho mask is the shadow of a scared little boy who is actually intimidated by women. I once heard a man tell me that he could sky dive into enemy territory, but talking to a woman about his feelings was what really terrified him. Don’t believe the book by the cover as they say. The real man is a grown up, he knows how to communicate, doesn’t play games, and, get this, he actually picks up the phone to talk instead of hiding behind a text. He can be upfront and honest with you if there isn’t a match so you aren’t guessing about what happened or, worse, blaming yourself for what you did wrong.
The real man transcends alpha and beta. He is strong and confident but also not over-identified with this persona or using it as a shield of protection. He is in touch with what we call his “Inner Eve” (Jung calls the Anima). This inner feminine is how he can relate to a woman and not be intimidated by them or need to control them.
The only dating rule you should follow is to be yourself. Don’t be afraid to open your heart and be vulnerable to show your softer side, your insecurities and your emotions. Ask for what you need instead of waiting for him to figure it out. When you are being real and willing to open up, the person who is also ready for that quality of relationship won’t back down and your vulnerability will bring you closer. If not, they will drop away and someone who is ready will appear. You will win either way and you can relax into true love and enjoy being YOU.