Stop looking backward when searching for love
When you think about finding love, are you still trying to analyze the past? The instinct for past-reflection isn’t your fault. Most self-help modalities will tell you to blame your parents, upbringing or past life experiences that formed your broken idea of love. They teach you to forgive and heal the past so you can finally have a great relationship.
What many of them are implying is that you are broken and you need to be fixed or you will never find love. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
This idea of being wounded by life is so prevalent in many teachings you wonder how any gets away being happy at all. You cannot create something fresh in your life if you are preoccupied with fixing yourself or worried that you are going to get damaged again in another relationship.
When I was first getting into self-help, I felt like I was a normal person. I knew I was a little insecure but then I realized how insecure I was when I attended my first “Self-Esteem workshop.” I took on that label and put into my life’s backpack for future reference. Anytime I didn’t get what I wanted, I blamed my low self-esteem.
Then, when I got older I went to some workshops where women were talking about abuse from parents. I knew my father was pretty strict so then I realized, “Hey, this is why I am single. It is my father’s fault.”
Then I started reading all the self-help books and they told me “Why he didn’t call” and about my “co-dependency”, that I needed to be a bitch, because “Men love bitches” and that I need to “make every man to want me” so I can feel good about myself. It was all about fixing myself to win the prize of a man.
Your ego will find a way to fit your current experience into a story about the past so everything makes sense. The story has so much power and becomes so true to you that it becomes narrative that runs your life.
You continue on to go to other workshops that will reinforce your sad story (that they told you) and tell you to forgive your parents, improve your self-esteem so you can find love. That seems logical to a regular person, but one crucial thing is missing. The story isn’t true. You are not your story.
If no one told me that there was this thing called “low self-esteem” or that it was my father’s fault, I wonder if I would have saved a ton of time on my personal growth journey. What if the story I was told was different?
What if the real story of you not having love is because you forgot that you are a divine being? What if you saw yourself as already whole instead of a small, scared ego looking for a man or woman to match up with to feel security in this world?
What kind of love would you draw in knowing that you are perfect right now and the story of your life is just a temporarily tale of your human self but you are SO MUCH MORE?
There is, of course, benefit to looking at your conditioning and why your ego is giving you the current results in relationships. But, the key to finding love it is NOT changing the conditioning or fixing the story with forgiveness or healing. The key to change is to transcend the ego and see that no one could ever harm the true essence of you.
Mastery is recognizing when you are in ego (scared and using your ‘survival tool box’ of masks to avoid really letting someone close to you) or knowing on a deep level your true divine essence.
When you use divine love to find a mate to experience life with, your heart is open and not afraid of what you will get or what you will lose. You know the truth – they cannot give you anything you don’t already have. The reason we seek a mate is to create something new together.
So your work is not to fix the past, but see yourself as already divinely perfect. Stop looking backward at a storyline filled with holes and myths. Create a new story by connecting to the true divine self where no mask is needed and the story has a happy ending.