Pitfalls of Compromise in Relationships
You have probably heard that a good relationship is based on compromise. You give in a little and they give in a little and everyone is happy. Unfortunately, being compromising without reciprocity can lead to resentment and heartache.
All relationships begin with the first dialogue via email, phone or in person, not months or years later when you decide to commit. The precedents are set right from the start in how you react to the subtle actions that show how you value yourself above or beneath this other person.
You show your value in how you react in the first stages of courtship. Have you too often forgiven them for forgetting or being too busy to call when they said they would? Have you driven miles out of the way just to meet someone for the first time to not inconvenience him or her, but inside resenting that they didn’t go out of their way for you?
Whenever you feel like you are dependent upon someone to make you happy, the tendency is to compromise your values and needs to avoid their abandonment. You think you are being clever, playing by the rules so you don’t scare him or her away, but you are actually hurting yourself and your own self-esteem. Eventually, your actions are showing your fear of being alone which ultimately gives you what you fear.
You have heard the old saying that when you give someone an inch, they will take a mile. Compromising in the beginning will only increase as the relationship continues and the gap of reciprocity will grow until you feel like a doormat. You think you are being nice and easy-going but you are actually being hurtful to yourself.
When you give too much you think you need to bend yourself into a pretzel in order to have someone stay. You are unconsciously reinforcing the belief that you have little value compared to the object of your affection. This could only lead to these scenarios of heartbreak:
- You will remain in an inequitable relationship and keep making excuses for your actions, while inside feeling terrible about yourself.
- The person will be turned off by your neediness because of their own shadow self and leave the relationship.
- You never meet truly confident people, just insecure people who like to be in control of others.
The best scenario is when you gain courage to stand for who you are and how you want to be treated. You start a relationship from a firm threshold of self-love. I am not talking about being a “bitch” or demanding person, but just simply be honest and open about what you want and what is not acceptable to you. Asking for a common courtesy is not asking for a commitment for life. You don’t need a script, just speak from your heart.
You are aligning with true love when you honor yourself. The men or women who are not going to reciprocate will quickly drop away and the ideal partner will emerge in a love that is healthy, reciprocal and that will last. Remember that no one can mistreat you without your permission.