Is text-ing a sign he is emotionally unavailable?
Do the men you date text or email to ask you out instead of pick up the phone? Have you felt like your relationship ended in a weird way because of an odd texting conversation? When your partner is overly dependent upon text-ing or email as a communication device in your relationship, it is a huge red flag. This behavior is typically a sign that they are emotionally unavailable.
You may argue that it is a sign of the times, and that everyone uses text and email. Digital conversations have now replaced that convenient break-up voice message left on your answering machine when they knew you weren’t home (in the age before cell phones). Now, there is no excuse. Your dates have access to you almost 24-7 and there is little room for the “I tried to call but you didn’t answer” loophole. Emails and texts have made it super easy to avoid awkward direct conversations when your relationship gets into a sticky spot.
I hear this story time and time again from clients who have a great new relationship and then, when things start to get serious, the guy avoids confrontation with a text. Many times, the man will joke off a missed phone call or date with a humorous pithy comment to smooth out the uncomfortable next step of having a deep, honest conversation. Instead of facing his fear, he hides behind the security of his iPhone and hope that the issue just goes away so you can get back to that blissful norm of ignorant infatuation.
The problem is that in order to take a relationship to the next level, there are times when you actually need to talk about your needs, share your fears and get emotionally intimate. If you find yourself with someone who hides when you leave the dreaded “we need to talk” voicemail, you got yourself an emotionally-unavailable man.
Now, in his defense, he probably doesn’t realize that he is hiding or scared of getting close. Most people are afraid of facing deeper parts of themselves. Maybe his mom was very critical and your request to talk things out is interpreted by him as a put down or criticism. Since he hasn’t delt with this on a deep level, he will run and look for a superficial relationship with another woman who doesn’t ask for too much of him.
Surface relationships don’t last because they cannot be sustained for very long before falling apart. He will move from one relationship to the next and run when things get tough. (You probably heard this when you met about his past and didn’t realize it was a big red flag.) After he leaves, it appears to you that he is a womanizer but only because he is afraid of what is required in a true committed relationship.
The real kicker in this situation is that YOU attracted him, so that means that you are also just like him. Oh, you may argue and say I want a relationship, I want to get close, I want to communicate, but…if you have a history of selecting men who don’t, then you unconsciously feel comfortable in that surface zone as well.
I know…this was a shocker to me too. I always thought I was the open one. When I looked closely at myself, I realized that I was also afraid of emotional intimacy. There was a part of me that felt relieved when they just left so I didn’t have to be vulnerable and tell them my true feelings. Like attracts like, the men I was attracted to always matched my level of commitment and emotional availability.
It is easy to see what is stopping you from love by how you get triggered by others. That is what we call the love shadow. The mirrored projection of what we can’t see about ourselves that presents itself in other people. This shadow gives us all the clues as to where we resist in attracting true love. It isn’t really hidden, if you learn how to see it.
In order to change the emotional-unavailable attraction, you have to start within yourself. Look back at the past month and see if there were any times when you wanted to say ‘no’ to someone or wanted to share some truth but were afraid that you would hurt their feelings or, worse, that they wouldn’t like you.
When did you push things aside and want to keep it on the surface? Did you send an email or text? When relationships get rocky, do you hope things would just blow over by sending a funny joke? How committed are you to go deeper? Are you just like those guys who disappear when things start to get serious?
By clearly seeing the projections of your mind that show up in your interactions with other people, you can start to shift and respond differently to create a new dynamic and magnet for true, committed love. As you change how you are being in relationships, you will attract a different type of match. Like attracts like, you only have to focus on your piece of the puzzle.