Getting over the hurt when a relationship ends
When a relationship doesn’t work out, you may have experienced the pain of heartache especially when the ending wasn’t your choice. The ache can feel very familiar, you’ve been there before and dread being that place. When you realize that it is your mind that is creating the pain, not the person or circumstance, you can free yourself from the heartache.
After a breakup, you feel extremely uncomfortable. You either want to do something external to feel better such as try to get him or her back or find a quick replacement, or you turn your aggression inward to self-criticism or victimization. Either way, you feel powerless to this person who holds all of the control over your happiness.
Just like any pain, you immediately want to find a way to cure it. All you want to do is run away…but you feel trapped inside your body with that nasty mind of yours telling you all sorts of crazy ideas. No matter what you tell yourself, you still feel like your mind is on a roller-coaster. You have a good morning and then all of a sudden you get a big emotional crash when you see your ex post on Facebook that they are now “in a relationship” and it isn’t with you.
The process feels like things are happening out there to you, but in reality, your mind is creating all the drama – it is happening THROUGH you. You only feel the pain because your mind believes that person had the power to make you feel good. No one has any power over you or your feelings, unless you hand it over to them.
The first step in freeing your mind is what we call the “practice of meta-consciousness” – the act of watching your thinking. By shifting your center of focus above you and look down at your human self as the witness, you should immediately get some relief.
A good example of meta-consciousness is imagining that you are standing on the bank of a rushing river. The river is carrying all of those obsessive, wild thoughts and emotions that poke you around like a pinball. You can watch the rush of thinking on the bank and see they are just thoughts. You remain in peace until you latch onto one idea that floats by and it drags you into the rushing river and you feel out of control again.
You always have the choice to put yourself back on the bank. You can always choose what you focus on.
Your thoughts are making you feel bad, not the person. Most of what you think are made up of assumptions of what happened, fears about futures that never come and silly ideas other people told you from their limited level of awareness. Your conditioned thoughts are not real or permanent, they are just old stories.
When you gain control over your thoughts, you can then start to examine the emotions that are being triggered during your breakup. These emotions are the clue to why you haven’t found lasting love. Some popular quick-fix techniques will teach you to rid yourself of these feelings, such as clear or tap them away, but what you are actually doing is just repressing them DEEPER into your unconscious. They will resurface again and with even more power.
Avoidance of emotion causes more harm, making you numb and afraid of life and enabling you to stay stuck in the status quo.
The source of heartache is within you and so is the solution. You cannot attract heartache if you don’t have the feelings already dormant inside. By revealing repressed thoughts and feelings, you can master and transform them without being intimated by them or wanting to fix anything. Then, you stop the pattern of drawing painful relationships into your life.
In investigating your emotions, here are some questions to ask yourself:
- When did I feel this before?
- What am I seeking in another person that I feel I lack?
- What is the opposite of this feeling?
- How old is this feeling?
- What does this feeling need to feel relief?
When you reveal the source of your heartache, you can then have full control over all of your relationships. You won’t try to get him or her back or have the urgency to find a substitute to soothe your pain. You become the solution.
True freedom is to be the master of your mind and emotions. It is okay to feel the full range of emotions. Our feelings give our life deeper experience and meaning. You can experience any emotion with richness if you let the spirit in you be in charge of directing your life, rather than the emotions running the show.
When you enter a new relationship with the knowledge that you are the love master, the person you attract will be a mirror of your own personal mastery.