Dealing with Perfection in Dating
If you struggle in love, you are probably one of those people who claim to be a perfectionist. The root belief of that type of personality is about not being good enough. No matter how good your life can be there is always that voice inside that says it could be better. Even when you have a fantastic date, you start to pick apart their faults. If someone breaks up with you, immediately you begin to wonder what you did wrong.
Many perfectionists have grown up in critical households. Rarely complimented and highly judged, they become their own worse enemy as their parents comments become their own voice inside their minds. To make up for this imbalance, these people strive for success but are seldom satisfied with whatever goals they reach. When good things happen, they tend to label their fortune as luck and have anxiety about being worthy of having it all.
Some singles with this belief will find fault with the nice guys/girls they date saying “they are not good enough.” At the same time, these searchers give their heart away to people who treat them poorly because they really believe on a deep level “they themselves are not good enough.” The nice guys/girls who get rejected start to feel “not good enough” and the cycle continues where a healthy relationship is rare in our society.
When I was single, I used to constantly work on personal improvement. I knew if I just made myself a little better that someone would finally love me. Anytime I would start to feel good about myself, a guy would stop calling and I felt like a failure again. Then on to another workshop to become someone better, more appealing, more loveable so that I could finally earn the right to be in a healthy relationship. In other words, I had perfection so tightly related to having a partner that I was blocking love because I was never felt perfect. You simply cannot be in two places at the same time.
The problem with the term personal improvement is that it is a illusory idea. This concept assumes that people are broken and need to be fixed, improved upon to fit in with all of the normal people in the world. If God made man in his likeness, don’t you think there is possibly at least a little bit of perfection in all of us?
Becoming your best self does not have to mean that you are learning something new because you already have perfection built in. The process is more about letting go of the false ideas that you picked up through your life, so that you can rediscover that inner light that is so bright and perfect within you.
When I started to distinguish between my human foibles and my true divine nature, I became free. Learning to accept my human behaviors and forgive myself for past mistakes, I let go of making that human part of me wrong, bad or incompetent. By looking at myself with soft eyes, even when I am at my worse, I can accept a partner in my life who will love me completely as well.
Stop picking yourself apart and shut off the voice that says be thinner, smarter, richer, funnier, more adventurous or whatever. Shift your mind to love even the times when you find it hard to love you. You know it is much easier to love someone when they are good but it takes wisdom to love them when they disappoint us. The best news is that you do not need to change a thing, only your perception of yourself.
All of my life I was searching for someone to love me. I discovered that she has been inside all along, just waiting for me give her hug and tell me that I am perfect just the way I am. Ultimately, I attracted a man into my life who agrees with her.
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