Building Dating Confidence by Facing What You Fear
You read a self-help book and took a course because you want to improve your life situation. The real goal is something new from what you are currently experiencing whether it is a new love, a new career or a new level in income. In that desire itself, your subconscious has already built a trap for you because it doesn’t want to change. Clever little function, it rigs your progress and tries to get you to self-destruct before the change happens. Darn that subconscious!
Your subconscious isn’t mean or vindictive but is actually following your orders. Somewhere along the way in your early life you tried something and you were rejected, emotionally hurt or, in some cases, physically harmed. Since this deep mind’s goal is to move you from pain to pleasure, it will do whatever it can to help you avoid the pain again. For instance, if you wanted love from a certain family member and was turned away, hit or criticized, your subconscious will learn that reaching out causes a negative response and will talk you out of doing that again.
Many times this unconscious part of you leads you to more lasting pain because it doesn’t believe that there is another way. You learn to put up with bad behavior or get stuck in a cycle of dullness, never reaching for a new way to live and be with others. The subconscious is really, really afraid of new things because it doesn’t think in logical terms, it just repeats patterns it learned from the past. This conditioned response is safer than something unpredictable and that is why people have a difficult time changing.
When you try to date someone nice when you always dated jerks, your subconscious mind will freak out. It will find things wrong with the nice guy and drive you to the jerk. Not because the jerk is cuter, but because he is familiar. Some people get stuck in a negative dating pattern for years because they are making romantic decisions on autopilot and fooled into believing they don’t have chemistry with the nice one.
This also happens for those who avoid dating all together. If you are not getting dates at all and wonder why, this is also your subconscious protecting you from any man (or woman). This is especially common for people who have been out of the dating world for more than a year. They complain there are no men out there or that online dating sucks when they are unconsciously closing the door to any opportunity for love based on this deep fear of change.
Maybe you want to start your own business but are afraid to break out on your own. Your subconscious will come up with all sorts of excuses and justifications for you to remain in that cubicle lifestyle. Each time you even think about a different career, it sets off the alarms to find something to pull you back to its predictable reality.
I was stuck in this negative dating loop for years and it took some effort to break free. Three steps helps me to change 1) I started thinking differently with self-hypnosis; 2) I started feeling differently (healing emotional wounds); and 3) I started acting differently (stopped dating jerks and giving the nice ones a chance).
Staying in your old ways of being only perpetuates the cycle of loneliness and reduces your self-esteem. By even making small adjustments, you can dislodge yourself from the old heartbroken self and step into your true lovable self hiding deep within you. Your confidence will naturally improve as you take the steps out of the status quo.
Eventually, your subconscious will finally give way when it sees that the new experience, whether it is a new love or new career, is pleasurable. Get outside of your comfort zone and face what you fear the most. Once you break through the terror barrier, the spell will be broken and your deep mind will shift forever in supporting you to what you consciously want. Each time you move past the fear, it becomes easier to get your conscious will and subconscious to be in alignment with the same purpose.
To get what you never had you have to do what you’ve never done. Be brave. Be Bold. Be the Real You.