Breaking your love rules for dating success
I had been dating this guy for a few months and I was really crazy about him. We had known each other since high school, dated briefly a few years earlier and I felt like our reconnection in our twenties was divine intervention. It seemed to me that he was withdrawing his affection on our last few dates but didn’t say anything to him. Our last date was a week before I moved into a new apartment so I gave him my new number (this was before cell phone days, of course). Weeks went by and he never called me again. I wondered what happened, did he lose my new number or interest? We had such a long history together and I was so hurt that he just disappeared.
Instead of asking for the truth, I assumed that he just wanted to break up and didn’t have the courage to tell me to my face. I was too proud to reach out to him or maybe too insecure to face his rejection. Our short relationship ended without a conversation and it nearly destroyed every last bit of confidence I had with men. After a year or two, I would see him on the train and we ended up always commuting together into the city. We shared probably over a hundred train rides and we never once discussed what happened between us. He was engaged to someone else by then so I just didn’t bring it up.
Fast-forward ten years later and I was having drinks with his best friend. He mentioned Bob and asked “What ever happened to you guys?” I told him my side of the story and he sat there in disbelief. He shook his head and said, “The months after you stopped talking he went into a deep sadness. You were one of the greatest loves in his life. When I asked him he didn’t want to talk about it, he was so hurt that it was over between the two of you. I can’t believe you didn’t know that. I thought you were the one who blew him off.”
As you can imagine, ten years later hearing that was a huge shocker to me. Now, I was the one shaking my head in disbelief. For so many years I assumed he just lost interest. I assumed there was really something wrong with me if someone like him, who was so crazy about me in the beginning, could end up leaving just like all the others. I assumed I wasn’t good enough and that I was just unlovable.
The truth was so different than the story I held in my mind. If I only reached out of my comfort zone to pick up the damn phone, I wondered what would have happened with us. Instead he was happily married to someone else with four kids and I was still dating jerks because I didn’t think I was good enough.
Of course, he could have called me too but like attracts like and we both were very similar in our dysfunctional communication skills. Both of us were afraid to reach out and ask the truth and, instead, we made our decisions based on assumptions. So, what drives these assumptions that controls our relationship patterns? I call it your unconscious love rules.
Since you were young you were handed down a set of rules to follow in the world. The rules dictate where you fit in, how to act and your personal value. Some of these were those unspoken rules but implied by your parents, caregivers and teachers. You cannot make a love story bigger than your rules. The deep rules limit you in what you believe you can accomplish and the quality of your love relationships.
My love rules were men were insensitive and non-communicative. Women had to play games to get men to like them and any show of interest will make them run. Men held the key to my approval. Men should pursue if they like you. The biggest rule of all, behave, be nice and they’ll stay.
These rules were based on my previous experience with romantic relationships and the men in my family. My unconscious love rules were also programmed by friends’ advice, silly dating tips and romantic comedies. I had no idea that my thoughts created my life and that I could change something inside to change my destiny. My rules told me that everything I wanted was outside of me, especially love.
So, when Bob didn’t call, I created a story based on these rules. He didn’t love me, something in me was flawed and I would always be alone. I couldn’t see a possibility of being loved by any man so my rules stopped me from taking action and that dictated my lonely reality once again.
What assumptions are keeping the rules in place in your relationships? Think about your current love story and ask yourself why you believe this is true. Do you believe in fate or that you create your life? On a deep level, do you believe God/Divine wants you to be happy and find love or do you believe that love is for only lucky people?
If you assume that it is too late, you are too old or that all men are jerks, you will avoid taking action toward finding love or, worse, settle for poor treatment. Your assumptions will be correct every time in your own personal reality. You will prove that the rules are true and remain lonely or heartbroken.
I believed my love life was hopeless for way too long. I kept approaching dating as if it was a losing proposition and that the rules were set up for me to get hurt in love every single time. These assumptions created my reality in an endless negative feedback loop of heartache.
When I made the deep internal shifts of what was possible in life, everything started to change. I learned that the rules could be changed in my subconscious and my destiny would change in love. I transformed my relationship with my Dad, which before I assumed was fixed, and we got closer than ever the last few years of his life. I broke the default rules of love I set up for myself and expanded my rule book to be empowering and self-loving. From my new love rules emerged a new love story that I am now living fully with the love of my life, Roberto.
To change your rule book,
- Discover the foundation of rules that are driving your current love story.
- Seek the knowledge and wisdom that breaks the default rules so you can create a love story that fits into this higher vision of your life.
- Expand your mind to believe in possibility instead of limitation and create from that higher place of consciousness.
All of life is limited by the rules that you unconsciously set up that you base your assumptions. Some people say you have to change your thoughts to change your life, but I believe you have to go a little deeper and change the rules that drive your thoughts. You then realize that you have been in control all along and open up to the love that has been waiting for you.
Be a rule-changer, sign up for our new course – find out more about how to transform your love and money story, Manifest Anything! Embracing Oneness for more love, success and a spiritual life.