Are they your soulmate or your faux-mate?
When you are searching for the one, your emotional mind can make you jump in too quickly and get carried away with infatuation. The object of your affection seems to be so perfect, their hair is just right and they say all the right things. Then, something happens and you realize they are not everything you imagined – they were just a faux-mate.
Infatuation pushes logic aside and has you act through your emotions. You are basically drunk with emotion and the neediness to find someone leads you to make poor judgments. Too many times we see people jump in new relationships and then they get extremely disappointed. This hot and cold pattern ultimately leads to bitterness and feeling resigned that “no one is out there.”
If you no longer wish to be fooled by the faux-mate trap, you need to understand the cause of your love attraction so you can be more conscious in your dating life and find your true partner. Chemistry is not love, especially when it is not conscious and driven by your default emotional patterns.
Robert and I teach Jung’s work on the anima/animus, which we call the Inner Adam® or Inner Eve™. In short, it is how we see the opposite sex in romantic relationships. What we are really seeing in the other person is a part of us, all the parts that are amazing but we haven’t accepted about ourselves. We believe they carry all these wonderful traits and we aren’t really seeing the real person at all. You are being fooled by your own projection.
Since you don’t accept all the wonderful qualities of yourself, including your own divine nature, you can only see it through your projection onto another person. You believe that they hold the magic and power and you need them in your life in order to feel good about yourself. What is really happening is that you are falling in love with you and that poor person is just a paper cut-out holding the image temporarily.
This is a very powerful projection that sometimes keeps people hung up on an ex and it isn’t rational or real love at all. This is the source of all those romance novels, movies, fairy tales and ancient myths of love.
Then, without fail, all of the things you don’t like about yourself eventually project on to this person. So, either you get turned off by them because you start seeing your insecurities through them or they leave because your insecurities will start seeing them not giving you enough attention or being available to you. You fall out of love with you.
This is why someone could be so into you and then all of a sudden disappear or why marriages seem to fall apart so easily or people cheat. They don’t leave because you aren’t good enough, they leave because they don’t feel good enough. Of course, like attracts like so you will always attract someone who has the same level of self-acceptance.
The world is fooled by people’s personas. They can appear to be really confident on the surface, but their shadow side will eventually show up in their relationships with others. When you search for a mate by matching up based on the persona (or personality profile), you are only seeing a small piece of the puzzle. This leads to finding a faux-mate, not a soul-mate.
A true soul-mate match can be found when you are fully self-aware and accept all parts of yourself, the divine and your human foibles. You don’t need to fix yourself or heal the past, you just be more conscious of all of you beyond your ego. When you see your amazing self beyond your persona, you can attract someone who matches that self-love.
Two self-aware people coming together creates a powerful, lasting attraction because they aren’t carried away by the infatuation or turned off by basic human emotional needs. They are more in balance emotionally, mentally and spiritually. They act like grown-ups in a relationship instead of playing little childish dating games of hide and seek.
When true soul-mates come together, it feels like home. They still feel all the amazing romantic feelings, but those emotions don’t carry them away to crazy-town. They get to experience their life together in nirvana, knowing they are just seeing more of their divine nature in each other.