Good to date but bad to mate?
Singles often make the same mistake when searching for true love. The traits that make a great husband or wife can often be very different from those of someone who is a great date. Not that you should ever settle for a relationship to last, but you may overlook a diamond in the rough because he or she is not what you initially expected or the usual suspects on your attraction vibe.
Although there are always exceptions, here are the five desired traits that singles seek but have a hidden downside:
1. Mr. or Ms. Charisma –
The Appeal: Who wouldn’t want to walk into the hottest party in town on the arm with someone with great charisma? He or she is such the life of the party that there is never a dull moment. All of your friends love this person because he or she is so great to be around. Downside: Everyone else loves him or her, and you may be lost in the shuffle at a social event. These types are usually very narcissistic and care more about getting attention for themselves than giving attention to you.
Better choice: Go for the low-key person with whom you privately have a great connection but he or she doesn’t feel the need to make a connection with everyone else in the room. A less dynamic person will be more likely to make you a priority and stick with you when the baby has the chicken pox or you are stricken with the flu. They tend to be more grounded and want a more-balanced lifestyle.
2. The Super Hot Guy or Girl –
The Appeal: No explanation required. Physical attraction is important. I am referring to the ultra-celebrity beauty not the pretty girl or guy next door.
Downside: Having someone incredibly good-looking is a curse because they are constantly being approached (both men and women). The worse cases of these beauties are the ugly ducklings that turn into swans later in life. They can be consumed with needing constant attention from the opposite sex. Also, those who were always good-looking learned to use their looks to get what they want but never learned any other social skills like kindness and generosity. The physical attraction could be all that you like about the person.
Better choice: Your best bet is to go for someone who is attractive to you but doesn’t turn every head in the room. Their real beauty and appeal comes from the heart and being a top quality person. Of course, don’t take this as you have to settle for someone unattractive. Remember that everyone’s opinion is different. The person you end up with is typically not your physical type anyway. Be open to what is attractive to you.
3. Richy Rich or Diamond Darlene
The Appeal: Can I say champagne breakfasts, yacht excursions, weekends in Europe or just shopping on Madison Avenue without looking at price tags? In this economy, wouldn’t it be nice to find someone to take care of your money woes?
Downside: Not all wealthy people are like this, but some of them are successful because of their commitment to their business. This may always take a front seat to your needs. Money doesn’t make you a bad person but it also doesn’t make you a good person. Sometimes the wealth of a person can cloud your judgment. While you are sipping champagne at their pool, they could be on a business trip with one of their other gal or guy toys. Don’t make a love decision based on their bank account. Even if you think you are getting free stuff, remember that everything comes with a price.
Better choice: Find someone fiscally responsible. Even the wealthiest of people can go bankrupt and if that is the only reason for your attraction, you will find yourself running out along with all the money. Again, there is nothing wrong with having money but true love is worth more than a million dollars.
4. Bad Boy or Girl
The Appeal: Danger, uncertainty, thrilling sex and reviving the rebellious teenager in you.
Downside: The bad boys/girls are called bad because they break your heart. They are inconsistent which drives the passion but ultimately leaves you alone and miserable.
Better Choice: Many people think nice guys and gals are boring, but every person has their dark side. With time, you will find out your partner’s dark side if you like to feel like you are still on the edge. Their goodness will always be the majority which makes for a more fulfilling, lasting love.
5. The Spiritual Guru
The Appeal: If you are on a personal development and/or spiritual path, you may be drawn to the guy or gal who feels like a guru to you. You may fall into the trap of believing this person is safe because they are spiritual and would never hurt you. You can feel automatically “upgraded” to a new spiritual level just by being in their presence.
Downside: This person may not fit into your social life or have strict dietary requirements which make it difficult to bring him or her home for Thanksgiving Dinner. Many times self-proclaimed gurus are not enlightened at all. They push their emotional issues under their robes and live in an ungrounded dreamy state disconnected from reality. In some cases, some of the men I have encountered who fit this role are womanizers in a spiritual disguise. They use the power of their “wisdom” to hypnotize women into their bed. Then they take no responsibility for their actions claiming “everything happens for a reason.” Some of the spiritual new-agers have distorted beliefs about materialism and can have serious money issues.
Better Choice: Someone who mirrors your own spiritual beliefs where you don’t feel like the student and believe everything he/she says. An equal sharing and growing together in your spiritual discipline is a more balanced, grounded way to be in relationship.
Of course, there are exceptions and you can find people with these attributes who may be a perfect fit for you. The real lesson is to not fall for someone because you have great dates. If you find someone who doesn’t have these desired traits, you may give them a chance realizing that charisma and looks only go so far. Surface attraction gives you surface results. You will be surprised at how the unsuspecting partner shows up in your life and makes you happier in a way you never expected.